Monday, February 4, 2013

I Thought We Were In This Together


by Amy Ruhlin

My husband has grown a beard. I've known him for 30 years and he has not once, not ever, tried to grow any type of facial hair at all.

Our 20-year-old daughter became concerned when she saw it. She said that surely he would shave soon; it is so unlike him to grow a beard.

And then she asked me if this could be his midlife crisis.

"Why, yes," I told her, trying to contain my excitement, "actually, I think it is."

"Well," she said, "if this is the extent of it, then that is good news."

I know that she said this with great relief, even though she said it by text, because she witnessed my own midlife adjustment. She was often in the room as the hormones shifted, the tears spilled and the mood changed.

I agreed with my daughter that her Dad's beard was benign midlife angst. But I was also secretly thrilled. For years, I had been hoping that he would exhibit some mild hysteria so that I didn't look so bad.

My husband is a rock. He is calm and patient and kind and level-headed. And although I love and appreciate these qualities, they made him seem like a saint as he sailed through midlife while I turned into Medusa.

He and I have been together for the majority of our adult lives.

We carved out our careers and moved into full adulthood together in our twenties.

We created a family and built a home together in our thirties.

We entered our forties together and after a few years, I fell apart. But he did not and it didn't seem fair. I thought we were in this together.

I began to toss and turn at night and wake up in sweat while he peacefully snored beside me.

I began to face the reality that I had to let go of my babies because somehow, they grew up.  It was not easy letting go and I struggled. And since my husband was just as involved in raising our children as I was, I assumed that he was struggling too.

"Aren't you sad that the kids aren't little anymore?" I would ask.

"Not all all," he would say. "Those were great times but now they are older and these are good times too."

I was sure he was in denial , so I found old photos of the kids when they were small and adorable and held them up close to his face.

"Look," I'd plead, "doesn't it just kill you that those days are gone?"  But he would only smile and say, "Nah, those were fun days but now we've just moved on to different days. You know, circle of life and all that stuff." He was taking it all in stride and it was maddening.

I began to count the number of grey hairs on my head and I noticed that my husband didn't have any. Not one. As I increased the number of highlights in my hair, he combed through the same thick, dark hair he's had since he was 21.

I didn't like this solo trip. But things are looking up now that we are in our fifties.

My husband has grown a beard.  A crazy, woolly, middle-aged , grey beard.

Thank you, honey. I'm so glad we are in this together.

18 comments:

  1. Like you, I am definitely the more emotional one in my relationship. There are definitely times when I want him to show some negative emotions, but he's laid back and things that I find infuriating he simply shrugs off.

    Intellectually I know that his roll with the punches mentality is what drew me to him. I need to remember that more when I get frustrated.

    I wonder what my partner's midlife crisis will look like. He already has facial hair!

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    1. I'm with you..it's what I love most about my husband and I'm grateful that he is my rock... but it sure made me look crazy in midlife :)

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  2. Love this, and can relate so well...my babies are getting older and I'm falling apart, looking for something to fill the void. It's not easy!

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  3. So frustrating that he made the choice to grow the beard -- and we don't get to make the choices about our menopause symptoms! Great piece!

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    1. Thanks Lois and of course everyone thinks his beard/grey is 'distinguished looking.' More frustration!

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  4. Handsome guy. Yeah there is so gray there!
    I have noticed recently my husband gets choked up at movies, I am so pleased. I am still the one sobbing but at least he is not looking at me like I am crazy, emotionally unhinged.

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    1. Oh Haralee I know that looking at me like I am crazy look!

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  5. Great post, I love the discussion around beards because so many of my friends say that their husband is particular about how they wear their hair. Although i'm the first to tell my friends they should wear their hair the way they want, I also am pretty particular about my husband's beard. It has to be just so. Loved the article!

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  6. I lost this the first time so I'll try and recover my thoughts...we mellow at such a different pace, and yet mellow we do. I remember helping my husband keep perspective when our teenagers were at home and in sight. After they left and I lost my sense of things, he restored my perspective over and over again. It's a constant exchange. I like it.

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  7. My husband has grown the last ponytail standing!

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  8. During the holidays, the men in our house decided not to shave. They all ended up with different stages of growth. At the end of the two weeks, our son-in-laws and our son shaved, but my husband rebelled and kept his graying goatee. He said he needed a change. I must admit, he looks quite handsome and I do like it. But I told him he has to give me fair warning when he decides to go back to clean shaven. He has had the facial hair long enough that seeing a smooth face will make me scream from the shock.

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  9. Amy, this is great and the same story for so many of us. I could not believe how clam my husband was when our kids left. If felt like someone had carved a hole our of my middle and he thought we had more free time and great trips to take to visit them!! You caught it all here.

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  10. Mine is going grey-and it looks so good on him! He's not in to facial hair but I am trying to convince him to get a little wild!

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  11. Great post, captured such a man woman thing. It's so crazy, my husband, great dad, very present, but by the time the kids were ready to leave he was movin on. Our last one, we had four, was a only child for 5 years. My husband was ready to move on before she was that age, he was " com'on baby lets go here or do this" and I was have to say, yah, what about Jamie? He would give me the look that indicated that he was thinking, "Oh yah, almost forgot about her, she's still here really?"

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  12. So interesting to hear a wife's perspective. Interesting and well written! Really does me good to read this blog, thanks!

    P.S., you might enjoy this:
    http://www.lifeunderway.org/2013/01/three-men-on-elevator.html

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    1. Ha thanks for that John..it is so very different for you men on move in day. My husband is always busy doing the grunt work, assembling the beds, doing repairs. I know our kids appreicate what both sides have to offer

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  13. Two out of three of my 'babies' are now fully grown. It is strange having more time on my hands for me but I am embracing it as much as I can. Loved reading this blog - I love the way you write and tell a story. Entertaining!

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